


Hala, Hala (Mahal Kita)

by citrusfriend



Series: Poetry [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fatherhood, Gaslighting, Grooming, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Molestation, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Other, POV Second Person, Parent/Child Incest, Pedophilia, Poetry, Slam Poetry, This is probably very triggering sorry, Victim Blaming, believing abuse is love, rant poem, sort of? Its more like, vague references to mormonism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24226411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusfriend/pseuds/citrusfriend
Summary: They say he loves you so much,and you know.You are four years old,and you know he loves you more than anything.
Series: Poetry [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1320233
Kudos: 17





	Hala, Hala (Mahal Kita)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a poem written from the perspective of a sexual abuse victim who is guilting themself into believing that the abuse they're enduring is for their benefit. It doesn't have a happy ending, but by the end, it is acknowledged that this is not reality and that this isn't okay.
> 
> Please take care of yourselves. This was written to vent my feelings, but I do not still feel this way. It does get better and you can get free from situations like this.
> 
> (Also the title is Tagalog. 'Hala' doesn't really have an english equivalent as far as I know, but it's basically used to warn or scare people who have done something wrong. 'Mahal kita' means 'I love you')

They say he loves you so much,  
and you know.  
You are four years old,  
and you know he loves you more than anything,  
more than the priesthood,  
more than his pride,  
and you don't know that he wishes you understood  
that he gave those up for you,  
for the love he puts inside  
you.

They say he is a good father,  
and you know.  
You are eleven years old and you are no farther  
than a beds-width from him at all times  
and you know it is because he loves you.  
Sometimes  
you stare at _the girl in the fire alarm_ ,  
and you wish she would scream  
because maybe this would twist his arm,  
would keep him  
from loving you so much.  
But he is a good father,  
he loves you, so you retch,  
you hate yourself, and you watch   
the girl in the fire alarm blink  
in silence,  
in condemnation of _your_ sin.

They say they wish your father was theirs,  
and you put on airs,  
because you are thirteen years old  
and you are not stupid anymore.  
You know that he loves you.  
You know that love is what fathers do,  
just as you know that since you are homeschooled,  
it is his duty to teach you.  
He stays up late for you, and he instructs you in everything.  
After all,  
when you were four years old,  
you'd didn't know what a _pedophile_ was.  
When you were eleven years old,  
you didn't know what _sex_ was.  
When you were twelve,  
you didn't know what _pornography_ was.  
But he loves you.  
So he spent the night, and he taught you.  
That's what fathers do, after all,  
they teach and they show you love until you are full--  
of knowledge and pure white love both;  
aren't you grateful?  
They wish they had fathers who loved them this much.

They say he loves you so much.  
You wonder why this is the FBI's business,  
why the Church takes interest.  
They say he loves you so much.  
They say this is why they take the priesthood from him,  
why they take him to court.  
But he loves you so much,  
so they acquit him, of course,  
and he still doesn't quit  
loving you.  
Oh,  
_aren't you so grateful?_

(They say he loves you so much,  
and you know.  
You are fourteen years old,  
and you know that this is _exactly_  
the problem.)

**Author's Note:**

> 5/11/2020


End file.
